I was able to set up an appointment with a counselor nearby. I am going to see her in about a month, once I return from my trip. It's going to be tough to wait until then, but that's the earliest I could find anyone to see me. At least I will meet with my regular doctor in two weeks to discuss my antidepressants.

I've still been thinking a little about M, although I think my initial shock and sadness have mostly worn off. I've been thinking about whether I could (or should) have done or said anything differently, and if it would really have worked out. I think I let some things slide because I was a little blinded by my own infatuation. I had a problem with the lack of communication early on and probably should have brought it up even earlier. Even assuming for argument's sake that the way I brought it up to her was hurtful, she still should have been open to talk to me and ask more questions. I was exceedingly patient with her and tried to understand her side as best as I could when she brought up her asexuality and other aspects of herself, and she couldn't let even this one thing go. I never gave her a reason to think I had ill will towards her or would even hurt her on purpose, so even if she did feel hurt by how I communicated with her, I feel like she still should have been patient with me and at least give me a chance to apologize or clarify my position. It just angers me a little that it was so easy for her to decide to just end it instead of trying to work it out, and that basically confirms to me that it was a lot more important to me than it was to her.

Pairing the mismatch in communication needs with her asexuality, it is doubtful that it would've worked in the long run. Of course, this just sounds like rationalization after the fact, but I think I did miss these things when we were dating. I definitely have a problem with ignoring issues like that when I really like someone, and I'm probably also way too willing to mold myself to the other person's needs just to avoid risking having to end a relationship due to incompatibility. I think I probably would be the more emotionally invested person in any romantic relationship I end up in -- I think this is just the nature of how I love. The other person would always be on my mind, I would be looking for ways to improve their day often, and I would want a lot of physical and verbal affection from them. It's probably very unlikely that I ever find someone who is simultaneously willing to be that invested in a relationship and also want to be in a relationship with me. It just isn't something I can imagine in my mind.

My training here is almost over. I'm flying back tomorrow afternoon and will return late at night. This hasn't been a good week at all for my mental health, but I'll just have to find a way to deal with it for now. I'm very scared that I'm going to have a breakdown at work or not be able to function properly next week, and I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I could try to work from home for most of the week, but I won't be able to do that forever.

I've been thinking lately about a sort of thought experiment slash hypothetical scenario. If there was a region of the brain exclusively responsible for the desire for love and affection, would I sever it? I imagine a kind of A Christmas Carol-esque specter leading me through visions of what my life might have been like and what the future would be like if I made such a decision. Would my life be better off if I didn't have any need for romantic love? I honestly think that if that hypothetical was true, I would sever it in a heartbeat. Although I wouldn't know the joy of romantic love, it's not like I have ever really known it in the first place, and it would at least spare me the misery of contending with a lack of love forever. Oh well, it's just a meaningless hypothetical.

I'm about to head out to dinner soon, and then I need to start packing for tomorrow. I need to find a way to mentally prepare for returning to the office next week. If I need to head to the plant and happen to see M walking around, I'm not even sure what I would do. At this point, I think I would just turn around and walk in the opposite direction until she was gone.