Erosion
I just returned from a work trip that I had to go on on short notice. I was in one of our plants out West for the last three days and just got back earlier today. I still haven't been feeling great. I don't think the higher dosage of the SNRI I've been taking has been helping very much. I'm not completely numb like I was on the previous medication, but it's still been hard to feel happy for very long.
My energy levels have also been pretty low for the last few weeks. I sleep for seven hours a night and still end up taking a two or three hour nap after I get back from work, and I feel exhausted all day at work, too. I wonder if it may be sleep apnea, because I feel like this has been going on for a while. I need to talk to my doctor about that.
I've also been doing some research online about clinical trials I can join for depressed patients. Unfortunately, the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) is located in Maryland, which means I would have to fly there. Being away from work for that long, even if I work remotely, doesn't seem like it would be feasible, but I need to see what the timing would be like. Two different trials coordinators reached out to me this week while I was traveling, so I need to follow up with them.
I honestly don't know how much longer I can hold on. Even though I don't have any plans to commit suicide or forsee myself coming up with any such plan, I still think about killing myself several times a day. I think it's been getting more frequent over the past few months, and the medications haven't seemed to help with that at all. It's more like suicidal ideation rather than an actual urge. I've also been starting to get nightmares occasionally, which never used to happen.
I'll see what happens, I guess. I won't have to travel again until the end of October. That will be to the same plant again, but for two weeks. I'll just be busy with regular work until then.