Fading
I've been feeling a little bit better recently, but I still have low energy. I asked my doctor to increase my dosage of the SNRI I was taking, and I've been taking that for a couple of weeks now. My sleep has been better, but I still feel tired during the day and after work, even after sleeping for seven to eight hours. I've still been dreaming a lot during the night. I'm not sure how to fix my fatigue issues. I wonder if it could be caused by some mineral or micronutrient deficiency, and if a blood test could confirm that. If the higher dose doesn't help, I think I will bring that up with my doctor and see what she thinks.
I had a counseling appointment two weeks ago. I wasn't able to find any volunteering opportunities that worked with my schedule, since I have work during normal business hours and sometimes have unpredictable travel for work. I told her how I've tried to make sure I'm taking care of myself by cooking in one large batch each weekend, to make sure I don't have to find the energy every day to make food or have something to eat. It still happens about every other day that I'm so tired that I fall asleep without eating, but on days I do have energy to stay up, I at least have something ready.
M was on a work trip to one of our mills down South for a week, and we talked more often than we usually do. She was on night shift, and she said she was bored since there wasn't much for her to do, so we messaged back and forth each night until I fell asleep for a couple of days. Unfortunately, she got sick when she was there, and she was sick after returning. I offered to make her soup or bring her medicine, but she said she would be fine. I would have liked to take care of her, to show her that she's important to me, but I didn't want to push it.
The week after that, I went back to New Jersey for my high school reunion. The first day, we spent time with some of our old teachers and just spent the night catching up. Surprisingly, more than half of our graduating class came, even from across the country. The next night, we hung out in NYC and got dinner at an Italian restaurant there. They had unlimited wine and a live, spontaneous song and dance, so the night was a little crazy. The last day was more relaxed, and it was just a few of us spending the evening at one of our friend's houses. Overall, it was a nice trip, and it was great to see people I haven't talked to in years, as well as meet some people in person who I've only stayed in touch with over text.
By the time I got back, it had been over a week since M had messaged me, and she apologized saying she was busy and also got sick again. I offered to help her, but she again said that it was fine and that she would get better. She was a little better about messaging for a few days. The week after I returned, we actually had our monthly team happy hour after work one day, and she had mentioned that she wanted to hear about my reunion there, but she was busy getting to know some other team members she hadn't met before, and my mood was really low that day, so I decided to leave early without talking to her. Honestly, I was pretty annoyed that she didn't even bother to message me and see if anything was wrong, when I definitely would have done so if it were the other way around.
The next day at work, we didn't talk much, but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and thought maybe she was just tired from being sick, so I asked her to get lunch together. We ended up doing that last Friday, and she mentioned that she was going home for the Labor Day long weekend. I said that I hadn't been feeling well during the happy hour, and she said that she felt bad she didn't get to talk to me. Maybe I should have said something then to let her know I was annoyed, but I decided to drop it.
We came back to work this week on Tuesday, after the long weekend. I've been swamped with projects, and I'm going to be traveling for a couple of days in another two weeks. M messaged me after three or four days yesterday with a one line text, so I responded in kind. Today, I asked her to have lunch on Friday, so we're going to do that, I guess. I have been feeling kind of annoyed with her in general recently. It seems like she's absentminded when it comes to communicating, and if I don't make the first move when it comes to doing anything, whether it's making plans to hang out outside of work, having lunch at work, or even just messaging, then it just wouldn't happen.
I have been feeling for a while that I still have romantic feelings towards her, but I know it wouldn't be a good idea to act on them. She definitely doesn't have the level of communication skills that I would want in a relationship, although now I find myself wondering if I even want to stay friends with her. I feel more and more that I'm in a one-sided friendship. Maybe I should just take a break and give her some space, just to see if she cares enough to bother reaching out. The problem is, I know she'll at least send a text once in a while, so it'll seem like she's making an effort, but it will be surface-level effort, where she's not trying to make plans or anything. It's more like she's just fulfilling an obligation. I don't really know what to do.
I've still been feeling depressed. The reunion helped a little bit, I guess, but I just feel like I'm kind of fading away. Outside of work, I hardly have energy to do anything, and I don't feel like I have any really close friends I can reach out to. The only people I keep in touch with daily are the college friends I play videogames with, and we don't really talk about any of this stuff. My close friends from high school all live on the East coast, so we talk once in a while, but we don't see each other often. M is the only one I live near, but I don't think we're going to end up being that close, just based on how much effort I feel like I'm getting from her. I think it's probably only a matter of a few months before I tell her that this isn't going to work for me, and I cut her out of my life. I think I'm really just waiting for my rotation so I don't have to see her around the office anymore. A one-sided friendship is really draining when I already don't have a lot of mental energy.
I know it has been a while since I last wrote here, but I just haven't been feeling great. With all my travel coming up in the next two months and my low energy levels, it might be this infrequent until the end of the year.